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A sequel to "The Walking Dead" is in the works. It will be called "The Walking Republicans." The plot of TV series is that heroic survivors will have to defend themselves against creepy Republican zombies with old, dead ideas.

New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has a bridge story he'd like to sell you.

Someone named Mitt Romney showed up at a Republican meeting of sassy and gloomy, rich Republicans and no one knew who he was.

After a history of water fights, Senator Marco Rubio got into a struggle with Sarah Palin over her Big Gulp drink. Rubio was very thirsty.

What does CPAC stand for? Well, how about Conservatives Peek Around Corners. Or, maybe, Conservative People Are Cranky. ???

The Stock Market recently hit record-breaking levels. Rich people were jumping for joy again. Some of them even thought it might be nice if President Obama and Congress focused on helping the middle class now by adding work projects and infrastructure jobs. They even may hire some more workers, after they pay their CEO huge bonuses.

Costco pays good salaries and benefits to workers and let's them unionize. Wal-Mart doesn't. People all over the nation are anxious for a Costco to come to town. In most places, there's a building already big enough to facilitate them--if Wal-Mart will move out it.

Concerning the $2 trillion that the Iraq War cost America, it was estimated that if every American man, woman, and child had to pay an equal share of the war cost America, each person would have to pay thousands of dollars. Said former President George W. Bush, "Well, if they added dogs, then the share would be lower." Said former Dick Cheney, "And if they added cats, it would be even lower."

This week's CBS Sunday Morning "Moment of Nature" was a scene of lobbyists stampeding toward a Congressional hearing.

Hollywood has announced that the fad of reality TV shows may finally come to an end. Apparently, all of the Louisiana swamp people have already been featured. There's nobody left who has long beards and wears bib overalls, unless they hire actors for the role. But the reason they went to reality TV shows in the first place was so they wouldn't have the expense of real actors. It's become the circle of life.

Obamacare (aka Baucuscare, aka Romneycare) apparently had 400 bugs concerning its website debut. Several cans of bug spray were used.

What's the plural of TV series? Serieses or seri? It needs one.

"Baby fingers" is the new name of the latest nano cell phone and texting device because that's what you're going to need to be able to text. It also has a screen for watching movies that's the size of an ant's you-know-what. But, wow, "Lawrence of Arabia" has never looked so epic.

Be aware that a drone the size of an ear wig bug is coming to an ear near you.

Be aware that if a pizza or a book drops on your windshield from the sky, it is still better than a drone dropping on it.

You will want to get one of those driver-less cars so you can watch movies and play video games in the backseat. Teenagers will use the backseat for other activities.

The reality show "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels" has been renewed for another season. This week, former basketball star Dennis Rodman climbs out on a branch of a North Korean tree.

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"Mitt Happens" is a bumpersticker slogan that the Romney campaign won't be using on the campaign trail. So, also are "Bain Is Our Bane" and "We'll Take You for a Ride Like a Dog in a Cage on the Top of A Car." But "Spit for Mitt" is still being considered, especially for NASCAR and rodeo events.

Democrats are wondering if the Obama Administration has any job creation programs. An Obama spokesman seemed perplexed. "I thought we were part of the Wall Street wing of the Democratic Party, with the Clintons and Geithner. I didn't think we had to care about Main Street jobs for regular Americans."

What about the better health care systems in European countries? Republicans say that's socialism. What about the lack of capital punishment in European countries? Republicans say not to be like Europe. What about the failed austerity measures attempted by the conservative European leaders? Republicans say, hey, we need to try that, too.

In the latest attempt of the audacity of austerity, Congress is cutting budgetary assistance for orphans.

Evangelicals got very confused and started protesting against restaurants for serving BLTs. An educational effort is under way to inform them that GLBT means "gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered" while BLT only means "bacon, lettuce and tomato" and refers to sandwiches. Hopefully, they will calm down.

Donald Trump appears to be just as stupid this month as he was months and months ago. And he's still on TV, too.

Mount Rushmore has given inspiration to a group of  business developers who would like to carve a mountain into completely obscene images. It could be a big tourist attraction and really help the economy, said I.M. Rich. "Just ask the French if they'd like to visit the Grand Tetons."

A billionaire is the only donor for a PAC that wants to promote term limits for U.S. Supreme Court members.

What we'd like to hear at least once on TV: "I'm Morley Safer. I'm Lesley Stahl. I'm Steve Croft. I'm Charlie Rose. I'm Bob Simon. I'm Anderson Cooper. I'm Lara Logan. I'm Scott Pelley. I'm Chicken Little and the sky is falling. Those stories tonight on 60 Minutes."

Mitt Romney recently released not only his birth certificate, but also the Mormon Church's baptism certificate for Anne Frank. 

Barack Obama "evolved" on the issue of accepting the idea of gay marriage. However, Joe Biden was heard saying, "But I evolved first." Romney "evolved" when he was governor of Massachusetts, but since he's been running for president, he's reverted to "Neanderthal." Rick Santorum doesn't believe in evolution or birth control.

In agreement with Mitt Romney's statement that "corporations are people," Exxon Corporation and a Texan named Chuck were married in a Las Vegas chapel.

As well as the privatization of the space industry, private companies are also getting into the business of selling drones. "It's fun to watch the neighbors in their backyard from the clouds and then swoop down and scare the crap out of them," one happy customer said.

Las Vegas bookies are taking bets on who has the greater moral authority: the Catholic bishops criticizing nuns for radical feminism or the nuns who actually help people in need. Oh, do you really have to think about it?!

In this week's episode of "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels," football quarterback Tim Tebow tebowed for nuts.

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The Republican presidential candidates held yet another debate and not any of them were arrested for "occupying" the stage for too long.

Republican presidential candidate Rick Santorum was seen in Iowa throwing a big tantrum--stomping his feet and waving his fists--saying he still hadn't had a turn to lead in the national polls.

The Time magazine cover for "Person of the Year" was the generic protestor, symbolic of the "Arab Spring" protests and "Occupy Wall Street" protests. A scratch-and-sniff spot in the magazine provides a whiff of pepper spray.

Hot-air balloonist Donald Trump withdrew from moderating an upcoming Republican debate after most presidential candidates fled from it faster than you could say "You're fired." Trump said he only regretted that he didn't have more opportunity to say the title of his goofy reality show in every sentence uttered about the debate.

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich's new "Contract With America" is that he promises not to cheat on his third wife. Gingrich is almost 70 years old, so Americans really don't want to know if he cheats, even if he cheats. New rule for 2012: Teenagers and people older than 70 never talk about sex. Not ever!*

*Caveat: In the world of the Paterno Culture, it is okay and important for kids to talk about sex
-- To the grand juries.

WikiLeaks has revealed the Secret Service name for Republican presidential candidate Michelle Bachman. It is "Scary Eyes."

As a result of the effort by some people to see that Christ is not taken out of Christmas, another effort is under way to see that "ho," as in "ho, ho, ho" is not taken out of Happy Holidays.

The U.S. troops are coming home from the Iraq War after 9 years; more than 4,400 U.S. soldiers killed; more than 32,000 U.S. soldiers wounded; more than 115,000 Iraqi civilians killed; and more than $1 trillion in war costs for America. With the exception of Ron Paul, all of the other Republican presidential candidates think U.S. troops should stay longer there. !!!! Probably all of those candidates sacrificed little, if nothing, in the war effort and even got big tax cuts when the war costs made the federal budget deficit soar.

A new silent movie called "The Artist" is getting rave reviews and Academy Award chatter. It probably won't win sound editing awards.

The U.S. Supreme Court, which had declared that "corporations" are "people," recently provided a 5-4 decision that "people" aren't "people."

This week's episode of the reality show "Celebrities Chasing Squirrel" features the Kardashian family in an "Alvin the Chipmunk" song segment about hula hoops.

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Someone finally got a job in America. Unfortunately, it was Chelsea Clinton, taking a job as a correspondent for NBC away from an actual, real, qualified journalist.

The Republican TV debate about foreign policy on CNN competed with the commercials for excitement. Newt Gingrich has become the non-Romney candidate this week. A commentator referred to Ron Paul as the "last hippie" for his anti-war and marijuana stances. Herman Cain and Blitz Wolfer were there. Michelle Bachmann had a strange look in her eyes (okay, she always has a strange look in her eyes). Gov. Perry didn't Alamo-massacre a statement, fall asleep, or forget where he was. And no pepper-spray was used. Not even on the audience.

I don't get it?! It took one brief yell in a high-tech microphone (that was supposed to drowned out other sounds) to end the campaign of Howard Dean in 2004, but look at all of the political gaffes that this year's slate of presidential candidates have gone through...and they are still going. It's enough to wear-down the Energizer bunny, but they still keep going. Gov. Perry has enough money to run until he's at least at 8 percent again. Herman Cain can't go much beyond 9-9-9. And Rick Santorum stays on the debate stage because it gets him out of the house and something to do. Wow, times have changed!

After the presidential campaign, the next stop for some of the candidates is likely the "Dancing With the Stars" TV show. Watch for Gov. Perry to square-dance, Michelle Bachmann to waltz around the stage, and, for some real eye-popping ratings, Rick Santorum as the first guy to be paired with a male dancer.

First Jenna Bush and now Chelsea Clinton, NBC has hired presidential daughters as TV personalities. The Obama daughters are also in negotiations at other networks, possibly replacing Brian Ross and Sanjay Gupta.

In the CBS "Sunday Morning" show's "Moment of Nature," presidential candidate Newt Gingrich is seen eating a donut.

You know you are getting old when you have no idea what the claim to fame is for the "Saturday Night Live" guest hosts.

Penn State University will be the setting for a new series of commercials for eye glasses called "Turn a blind eye." The series will not include shower scenes.

Modern definitions...The Paterno culture: A culture where a nation is ranked first in sports, but 17th in the world in science education.

Second definition...The Paterno culture: A culture where the highest paid federal employee is not the President ($450,000), not the Speaker of the House ($223,000), not the Senators ($174,000), certainly not the deployed soldier ($38,000) or the average senior citizen living on Social Security ($12,000), but rather is...pep band drum roll...yes, a football coach. Or three of them--the Army, Navy, and Air Force football coaches (one and probably a second making more than $1 million).

Third definition...The Paterno culture: A culture where the highest paid public employees in most, if not all states, are university football coaches.

Fourth definition...The Paterno culture: A culture where it takes five years for a reporter to request, through the Freedom of Information Act, the amount of money that the Penn State football coach makes annually.

Students engaged in recent peaceful protests at UC-Davis in California were pepper-sprayed by the police. A Fox News anchor said the pepper spray was probably diluted. No, Fox News anchors are diluted.

With all of the attention paid to pepper-spray by police on "Occupy" protestors, the Republicans in Congress are now trying to classify pepper as a vegetable for school lunch menus.

It was reported that tear gas used by the Egyptian military on pro-democracy protestors in Cairo was made in America. That's pretty amazing, because just go to a store on the Black Friday shopping day and try to find anything else made in America. How did the American tear gas industry keep from getting moved to China?

This week's episode of "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels" involves a segment of New York Mayor Bloomberg chasing the squirrels out of a park. The mayor also had his police force chase protestors out of the park. The city parks are designated for homeless people and derelicts.

11/11/11...

As this is 11/11/11, I thought I should write something profound, profane, or prophetic.

1. "Don't be picnicking in Yellowstone Park when the volcano goes off."


2. "The phrase 'Oh, hack it' will be obscene one day, according to the super-computerized robots."


3. "I enjoyed living in a world where there were bees, whales, and helium."


4. "Janet Jackson will sing again at a Super Bowl half-time."


5. "I predict that, by 11/11/2111, every time your finger presses your nose, your brain will refresh your thoughts."


6. "I'm sorry for the plastic bag that I threw away today." (I read that a plastic bag will stay in the environment for 1,000 years.)


7. Humor lasts a long time.

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President Obama proposed a jobs creation plan. But it may be just a bit too radical for the Republicans, as it proposes the construction of highways and schools. Said one angry Republican congressman, "That smacks of something that President Eisenhower would do." (Historical note here: Eisenhower was a Republican, but that was back when Republicans were sane.)

It was no surprise...Gov. Perry plays poker, former Gov. Romney plays "Hearts," and Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann plays "Slap Jack."

During the recent Tea Party presidential debate, the audience applauded the death penalty and letting a 30-year-old die if that person didn't have health insurance. They also applauded air pollution, global warming, child labor, chastity belts, non-regulation of rancid meat, drowning of witches, and fences with razor-wire.

At the Tea Party presidential debate, CNN's Wolf Blitzer failed to ask the "evolution" question. You know, the question that asks if the candidates reject the theory of evolution and then all the Republican candidates hold up their hands, and the rest of us then wonder if either they are lying to pander to their wacko religious base or they slept through every science class in junior high, high school, and college. Blitzer, with the first name of Wolf, was the perfect one to ask it, since all dogs come from wolves and, Wolf, that's evolution!

Regardless of evolution, wouldn't it be blasphemous to credit (or blame) God for creating poodles? !!!!

To help the ratings and draw a viewing audience, the next gathering of the Republican presidential candidates won't be on CNN, but instead will take place on the TV show "Wipe-Out." Michelle Bachmann will dodge wet sponges when she isn't dodging the truth. Rick Perry will have to sink or swim in a pool of water and uncertainty, and Mitt Romney will have to jump over a big round ball and Newt Gingrich. But there will be no tango dance number by Rick Santorum and Ron Paul, because that's another TV show concept. All of the candidates will have to plunge down a water slide.

Just because Lady Ga-Ga wears a meat dress doesn't mean Justin Timberlake can wear a beef jerky suit.

Because Congress wants to cut deficits rather than save jobs and provide services, there will now be one post office per state. Please drive to your state capital to pick up your mail.

When the United States stands virtually alone in vetoing the United Nations proposal for giving Palestine "observer status," it will be interesting to see how the U.S. suggests that Palestine return to the peace negotiations with Israel, when it hasn't solved much in 20 years. But, hey, somebody has to support Israel in this time of the so-called "Arab Spring" of developing democracies in Middle Eastern countries before Israel becomes completely irrelevant in the region. Struggling against democracies, that promote freedom, tolerance, and peace, is just not the same as struggling against dictatorships.

This season of "Dancing With Pseudo-Stars" includes the guy who was on the "Love Boat" for two episodes; the author of the book about the mystery of Obama's birth certificate; someone who once worked for Enron; and a dancing polar bear.

The popularity of Twitter is now being challenged by Cusser. Every user gets just four characters to express vulgar intent.

The next episode of "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels" involves Dick Cheney plugging his lousy book, not in the branches of government but instead in the branches of a poplar tree.

Poetry in commotion...

A Sarah Palin poem:

Listen, my children, and you shall hear
of Sarah Palin's version of
the midnight ride of Paul Reverse,
who put his pickup into "R" (for Republican) gear
and sped away backward, with shots so clear,
from guns a-blazing, always first.
He warned the Danish that Americans had guns,
lots of guns, and they would lose.
One, if by land; two, if my sea;
three, if by Fox News.
And he shot a partridge in a pear tree.
Nevermore. Nevermore.

An Anthony Weiner poem:

Everyone's a twitter
for Tony to consider
that sending pictures "obscenie"
makes him quite a wienie.

A poem for politics:

I would rather vote for a lizard than for Newt.
I would rather vote for Abel than for Cain.
I would rather vote for a baseball glove than for Mitt.
I would never vote for Sarah plain.*

* Note: Well, "Palin" didn't rhyme, but both words have the same letters.

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A new study finds that if your friends look like Cirque du Soleil characters, you have really unique friends.

Congressman Paul Ryan's budget plan to finish off Medicare looks like it is going to finish off Republican candidates nationwide. And what's really strange is that the Republicans are running like lemmings off a cliff to embrace the Ryan budget plan.

National Geographic channel plans to do a special report on lemmings and Republicans.

Right-wing social engineering has hurt Newt Gingrich's presidential campaign. He shrugs off the problem with occasional shopping trips to Tiffany's jewelry store. He was pleased about the bargain deal he got for a tie tack. A mere $20,000.

A couple were criticized by some people for raising their new baby "gender-less," meaning they weren't going to tell others the gender of the baby. Well, heck, it's not like there are hundreds of possibilities to speculate about. The baby is probably either a girl or a boy.

Singer Pink recently had a baby girl. People are guessing that she will dress the baby in "pink."

Have you ever felt like you could star on a TV show "The Biggest Loser" but the show is not about weight loss?

News media people have been chasing after TV reality show star Sarah Palin while she is on her recent bus tour, despite the fact that she hasn't announced a campaign for running for anything. So, tell us again, why is she in the news?

An unfortunate incident occurred when Sarah Palin's bus ran over candidate Mitt Romney while he was announcing his candidacy for president in New Hampshire. But Romney is okay. His Mormon underwear protected him.

Sarah Palin's version of the historical ride of Paul Revere was so "entertaining" that birther Donald Trump has decided to produce a new TV reality show called "Sarah's History Lessons." It will appear on that other SyFy (Science Fiction) channel, Fox News network.

This blog was recently spanked for breaking the rule that children of politicians are off limits, even when those children are paraded around, put on TV shows, and used as media blockades. This blog promises to not make fun of Bristol, Piper, Moose, Twitter, Tinsel, and all the rest and whatever their names are, when and if they ever fade from public spectacle.

Just think when presidential candidate Michelle Bachman's 28 children start getting on TV reality shows?!!

China, please don't hack this site. Please! There are many better sites far more worthy of your hacking, censoring, infiltration, and denial.

Congressman Anthony Weiner said his Twitter account was hacked and a photo of overwhelming briefs was sent to prank him. Weiner isn't sure if that photo is of him or not. Meanwhile, 20 million American men have already claimed that the photo is of them. One Twittererererer said, "Hot dog!"

Current U.S. generals were ranked as the worst in history as wars in Afghanistan and Iraq continue endlessly with weekly soldier fatalities. With $113 billion estimated for another year in Afghanistan, the generals are at least hoping to turn a corner, as they eye Pakistan.

The World Health Organization has cautioned about the potential of brain tumors from using cell phones next to people's ears. People also shouldn't wear hats that microwave buttered popcorn.

A new study warns that people who always bite the heads off of animal crackers with their first bite are more likely to make dogs eat dried dog biscuits.

It is hoped that "Arab Spring" will land right on top of the Syrian dictator, the Libyan dictator, the Bahrain dictator, the Iranian dictator, the Yemeni dictator, the Saudi Arabian dictators, and all other Middle Eastern dictators with a big ka-thump.

Women are secretly practicing their driving of cars in Saudi Arabia, using highway cones as designated ruling dictators.

In this week's episode of "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels," Arnold Schwarzenegger admits to furnishing the nuts and John Edwards warns against hunter mentality. There is a special song from Lady Gaga, dressed as a pecan.

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The headline could have read, "Trump trumped." Birther and big-mouthed bully of a candidate for president Donald Trump got trumped by President Obama who produced the long form of his birth certificate after Trump exploited the falsehoods about it for his own political gains.

Donald Trump wins the Sage Street "Keep Blabbering and Spin" award for saying he was proud to do something so important as to get Obama to release the long form of his birth certificate. Ah, Mr. Trump, Obama didn't need to release it as the short form, which is the legal document used by Hawaii, was already available and then there were also those birth announcements in old newspapers. Of course, those facts probably wouldn't matter for crazy people who just don't want to believe the facts. Congratulations, Mr. Trump, on your award. It comes with a huge wad of bubblegum (to keep your mouth busy).

Pope John Paul (the some Roman numeral) took one step closer to sainthood, while most everyone else on Earth, as is likely in life, took steps farther away from sainthood.

Catherine "Kate" Middleton married Prince William Arthur Philip Louis Mortimer (what the heck is his last name?) in a royal wedding this past week in Great Britain. (Note: I just made up the "Mortimer" part, and I'm not so sure about the other names either.) I know their last name isn't Mr. and Mrs. Queen Elizabeth's Grandchildren. Hmmm??!

The U.S. news media wasted all kinds of time leading up to, during, and following the royal wedding of the future king of England. It got to the point where the TV reporters were talking about the royal wedding biscuits (cookies in America), the royal dresses and uniforms, the royal hats, the royal number of times that Will vacuums in their home, the royal squirrels that live in the trees near their home, and the royal pains that royalty produces.

Oh, and by the way, more American soldiers were killed in the Iraq and Afghanistan wars, but that news was overlooked while the TV media counted flowers at the royal wedding.

"Dangelavidize" is one of the newest words in the English language and placed here for the very first time. It means "to search the dictionaries and Google for something and not be able to find it." Used in a sentence: Have you ever dangelavidized successfully? (Note: The word was recently created on Facebook by the editor of Sage Street just to see if a new word would spread and find its way to popularity and a dictionary.)

There are many blockbuster movies for the summer that will feature comic book superheroes. Thirteen-year-old boys are ecstatic.

The latest episode of "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels" features Donald Trump telling a squirrel to turn in his nuts because he's fired.

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There's an old theatrical saying about "break a leg," which is supposed to be a statement of good luck. But if you see any actors who actually have real broken legs, then they were probably in the Broadway play "Spiderman."

The art and conspiracy theory world was abuzz recently over the possible mystery of tiny letters painted in the eyes of "Mona Lisa." That's nothing. There is also a profane word in her nostril. Michelangelo was mad that day, after having gotten a bill for paint spilled on the Sistine Chapel's floor.

In a related Michelangelo story, scholars and nudists have determined that the guy who modeled for the "Statue of David" obviously had to pose in a very, very cold art studio.

The monthly weep index indicates that Speaker of the House John Boehner has only cried in public five times so far this month.

Facebook apparently doesn't have enough personal data about its millions of users. New profiles will include the question: Has anyone ever called you a "mammal"?

Chinese leader Hu visited the White House this week. Who? Hu. That's what I'm asking...Who? Hu. It is Hu. That's what I'm asking. Who is it? Hu. Who is what I and Abbott and Costello are asking?!!!!

Speaking of oppressive governments, dictators everywhere are complaining about WikiLeaks, Twitter, and YouTube. Said the former iron-fisted dictator of Tunisia who fled to Saudi Arabia, "Information sucks!"

Sarah Palin was back in the media spotlight, with homemade videos, making badly conceived and ignorant historical and word references. This time, it was for "Jim Crow," "dogma," and "fairy floss." Said a Palin spokesperson, "Sarah was referring to an Alaskan neighbor named Jim. She knows that there are papa dogs, too. And, of course, she knows that fairy floss refers to cotton candy. She has eaten cotton candy. She likes cotton candy."

Some guys love their guns so much that the NRA is now proposing guns with wider barrels. Well, at least a little bit wider. For the guys who not only love their guns but also want to have sex with them. !!!!

A woman who was texting and not looking where she was going fell into a water fountain at a mall. While under the water, she quickly wrote to a friend, "I M wet. 2 much H2O!"

One day last week, no students had to be told to put away their cell phones and text messaging devices. One more miracle and a Mass Communication professor may qualify for sainthood.

Joe Lieberman, Independent senator from Connecticut, announced he wouldn't run for re-election. But he would be willing to accept the vice presidential position if Senator John McCain or former Vice President Al Gore ever run for president again.

The editor of the Sage Street blog has come to the conclusion that gun laws should be stricter and that no crazy person should be able to get a gun. And for those people who think crazy people should have the right to guns or who believe in the ridiculousness of lenient gun laws, then those people are crazy, too, and they shouldn't have guns either.

Researchers say they will be able to clone a wooly mammoth in six years. In six years and one month, a wooly mammoth will be displayed in a Las Vegas casino. Tickets are now on sale.

Don't miss this week's episode of the TV show "Stars Chasing Squirrels." There is an amazing moment when radio commentator Rush Limbaugh climbs up three branches.

Three items, when mixed, that cause heartburn, irritation, and stupidity: Tea, baloney, and Rush Limburger cheese.

Bad poetry finds a home with rap music...

I was so moved by the bad poetry of the rap songs of Eminem and Lil Wayne on Saturday Night Live tonight that I took a few minutes to write some crappy rhymes for a couple of rap songs.

Here's what I came up with....

Title: SHEEP BLEAT
You walk down the street.
You can't find defeat.
You sure take the heat.
You might lose your seat.
You'd better like the beat.
Or go slip on the sleet.

Title: MY ROBOT FRIEND
Robot
I bought
for war
I thought
It tore
A lot
And what
I got
was not
One shot.

Title: JESUS AT WAL-MART
Jesus
Squeeze us
Freeze us
Please us
Have some rice
Throw some dice
Pack some ice
Kill some mice
Find a price
Wal-Mart

And finally this title: MAD FRED
Give 'em real.
Take a pill.
Don't fulfill.
Walk, talk, balk, polio guy.
Sock, sock, sock.
Argyles.
No cops.
Corn crops.
Sweet honey.
Got money.
Prosecute my pants from my ass.
And if I care.
Fred Astaire.

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The Las Vegas odds-makers, the jellyfish experts, and the spelunkers were correct with their predictions about President Obama and the extension of the tax cuts for the wealthy. Yep, he caved.

Republicans are working on what they will ask President Obama to cave on in 13 months when the unemployment benefits come due again for renewal.

President Obama's new slogan for the 2012 presidential race may not work quite as well as his slogan "Yes, We Can" in 2008. "Yes, We Cave" just doesn't have the same lofty ring.

Future Speaker of the House John Boehner cried three different times during the interviews by Lesley Stahl on "60 Minutes" last week. Then Boehner watched the segment on TV, and cried again.

In a memo to all Republicans in Congress, Republican strategist Frank Lutz advised, "Never replace the phrase 'trickle down' with the wording 'urine stream'."

Presumably without compromising, President Obama recently signed the Child Nutrition Act, endorsed by first lady Michelle Obama. He joked that otherwise he might have been sleeping on the couch. In the meantime, Progressives have refocused their efforts on getting the first lady's support for legislation in the future. They call it "The Couch Strategy."

Time magazine named that Zuckerberg kid, the founder of Facebook, as the person of the year. The choice made future Speaker of the House John Boehner cry.

OK, let me get this right (or maybe reich would be the more precise word if it's up to the censors). The government has fits about WikiLeaks and probably does its bullying best to make sure Americans can't find the site, while, on the other hand, we can be bothered by someone who wants to buy a chicken for their fake Farmville on Facebook, learn on AOL what Taylor Swift is doing on her birthday, and probably surf a zillion online porn sites. But, no, don't try to find the WikiLeaks site.

Though hundreds, if not thousands, of people at all kinds of levels in the military and government, had access to material that eventually found its way to WikiLeaks, the government is going to prosecute a military private. Said the Secretary of State, said the Secretary of Defense, said the state department officials, said the defense department officials, said the diplomats, said the generals, said colonels, said the majors, said the lieutenants, said the sergeants, said the corporals, "Blame the privates."

This week's episode of the TV show "Celebrities Chasing Squirrels" features Bill O'Reilly fighting a squirrel for a nut. O'Reilly is mean, so the squirrel didn't have a chance.

President Obama called in former President Bill Clinton to try to sell his compromise on the tax cuts for the rich. Seeing Clinton again at the lectern was about as refreshing as kicking a skunk. But Obama couldn't call in former President Jimmy Carter, who took the Democratic Party to the center and then didn't win a second term, or former President George H.W. Bush who compromised on his famous "Read my lips" tax promise and didn't win a second term, or former President George W. Bush who already urged passage of tax cuts for the rich years ago. And since all other former presidents, many of whom were actually strong and tough, are dead, well, that left Bill Clinton.

The national news media went ga-ga when former President Bill Clinton showed up to point his finger and lock his jaw at Obama's presidential lectern. The U.S. Olympics committee declared that news personalities Chris Matthews and Chuck Todd performed the most perfect cart-wheels.

Former U.S. Senator Alan Simpson of the Debt Commission commented about the progress of the commission proposals, "Throw a rope around it and then see if any muskrats will gnaw at it." Asked about why he called senior citizens greedy, he replied, "Some grasshoppers are green and some grasshoppers are brown and fly farther." Asked about the large cost of war, he said, "Only dance when you can hear the drums." Asked what he means any time he speaks, he answered, "The mud is deep on the wet side of the river bank."

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Some people got jobs recently. They were Republicans elected during the mid-term election. Unfortunately, they didn't need jobs, don't want to extend job benefits to the unemployed, and the unemployment rate remains the same.

Airport security (the national TSA) is telling travelers that they have two choices in order to board a plane: 1). Walk through a full-body scanner and have a naked photo of you taken; or 2). Have some security guy feel your private parts. In light of complaints about those choices, TSA is considering a third choice: 3). Let some security guy squeeze your private parts and then cook them with the radiation from a scanner that takes 3-D photos of your naked body and posts them on Facebook, with a poke here and a poke there.

Progressives are wondering if President Obama has the backbone to not compromise with the Republicans on the extension of the Bush tax cuts for the wealthy. Las Vegas odds-makers, spelunkers, and jellyfish experts are not optimistic.

Junk once was stuff that people took to the town dump. Now people take it to the airport and let security guards check it for explosives.

Bristol Palin and her dance partner won again on the "Dancing With the Stars" TV show. This time, their competition was only Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers in a historical film clip.

Apparently, a high number of Tea Party members watch "Dancing With the Stars." That's just one more reason for not watching the show.

In order to cut the budget deficit, the Debt Commission recommends that the retirement age be set at 105, unemployment benefits be replaced by a bus ticket and one TV dinner, and military spending be reduced by the cost of one nut and one bolt. Said former Senator Simpson, a member of the commission, "We need to stop square dancing and start peeling the potatoes."

This week's episode of "Stars Chasing Squirrels" features Glenn Beck almost catching one.

2010: President Obama said U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Afghanistan in 2014.
2014: President Brown said U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Afghanistan in 2018.
2018: President Hernandez said U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Afghanistan in 2022.
2022: President Robot 634 said U.S. troops will be withdrawn from Afghanistan in 2024
2024: Afghanistan becomes the 75th state of America, right after West Kansas, Iraq, Yemen. and Armpit.

Anderson Cooper on CNN finally threw up his hands in disgust and yelled at a politician. He's frustrated because he's been trying to "keep them honest." That's about as easy as trying to separate a college student from a cell phone.

Only about 40 years behind the times, the Pope is finally endorsing some use of condoms. Therefore, feel free to use them for water balloons.

A version of a "This Just In" repeat: Who would have ever guessed that there'd be more prostate exams at airports than at clinics?!!

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A lunatic at an anchor desk is ranting into the TV camera in an effort to move people through anger and fear. No, not the 1976 movie "Network" this time. Just another evening of FOX News.

He called her names. She called him names. They both called each other "liars" and "corrupt" and "lower than whale manure." No, not the latest reality TV show. It is the recent string of campaign attack ads.

Tea Party candidates, many of whom are disguised as Republicans for Halloween, have qualified for the book of world records as the strangest bunch of politicians ever known.

While Republican candidates are running against President Obama, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi,
and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid in every state where there's an election, Democratic candidates are running away from the national health care bill.

President Nixon said, "I am not a crook." Delaware senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell, wearing black, said, "I am not a witch." A public relations person was recently seen holding his hand over Rush Limbaugh's mouth, trying to prevent radio talk show host from saying, "I am not a big-mouth."

Delaware senatorial candidate Christine O'Donnell read the First Amendment today. She still doesn't understand it.

Elliott Spitzer's new political talk show on CNN hasn't been doing very well in the ratings. So, CNN is considering a suitable replacement. They have been talking to Larry Craig, Monica Lewinsky, Michael Vick, John Ensign, Mel Gibson, Rand Paul's college buddies, and that evangelical pastor at the mega-church in Atlanta.

After the election on Nov. 4, defeated California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman will be selling her used campaign yard signs on eBay.

The politically extreme wife of Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas left a message on Anita Hill's phone machine asking for an apology from Hill for her testimony at the Thomas confirmation hearing years ago. Hill said she had nothing to apologize for. So, then Clarence Thomas called back, asking Hill to at least return the pop can with the pubic hair on it.

It is very unlikely that NFL football player Brett Favre will be used in TV commercials to endorse any brand of camera.

Want to hear a joke about American business? The national Chamber of Commerce. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

A legislator just got awful legislation passed that will force people to wear polyester, walk on their hands, and eat rock salt. His success is contributed to the name he gave the legislation, the "Children, Football, God, Flag, Marriage, Puppies, Beer, and Pizza" bill. Said the legislators from the other side of the aisle, "We had to vote for the darned thing. Or else, next election, there'd be campaign commercials by our opponents saying we voted against beer."

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Republicans are probably going to oppose President Obama's jobs creation proposal regarding transportation and infrastructure work. After all, Republicans and Tea Party members want to take the country back to the way it was. (And they apparently mean when jobs were being lost during the Bush years.)

Christine O'Donnell recently won the Republican primary to become the Tea Party candidate for the Delaware senate seat. It's no longer politics as usual. Now, it's politics as unusual.

Christine O'Donnell recently won the Republican primary to become the Tea Party candidate for the Delaware senate seat. Here's how that works: Republicans organize a primary, but all of their members have split to the Tea Party, which then organizes rallies to allow everyone, especially people over the age of 70, to act really mad because they want the country to return to something that doesn't have Obama as president, and then they all go to the Republican primary election and vote for people who are opposed to masturbation.

"Hey, Mabel," Charlie, her husband, yelled from the recliner chair in the living room. "That woman from Delaware who's against masturbation is on TV again."

Don't you think that if the only thing a person can remember about a politician is what they said about masturbation, then the Republican Party is in a world of hurt?!

Glenn Beck is planning a rally. He will dress in a robe like Moses and come down from a mountain top. Note for rally members: Bring your own marshmallows for the burning bush.

Glenn Beck is planning another rally. He will wear a fake beard to look like Brigham Young and then lead zealots with handcarts to Utah. Note for rally members: Bring either a zealot or a handcart.

The new TV season will include the show "Stars Chasing Squirrels." Each week, different celebrities will go to a park and chase squirrels. Celebrities scheduled for the competition include Rush Limbaugh, Pat Boone, Evan Bayh, Queen Elizabeth's piano mover, and Sarah Palin's third cousin from Homer, Alaska.

Flo, the lady in the insurance commercials, will host Saturday Night Live this week, with musical guests rapper Bad Poetry R-U-Cool and an electric pencil sharpener.

A pastor of a tiny, irrelevant and intolerant church in Bedbug, South Carolina, is threatening to burn Qurans, Torahs, Buddhas, rosary beads, Methodist hymnals, Jehovah's Witness door pamphlets, biology books, Dixie Chicks CDs, National Geographic magazines, French recipes, and sour-dough pancakes. The media coverage has swelled from community attention to statewide attention to national attention to international attention, as unnecessary outrage grows. It has even caused chauvinistic men in Middle Eastern countries to riot because they are so offended.

A college professor has introduced a new higher education concept for college courses. Students will sit in a class for two weeks and then the professor or instructor will get to choose which students stay in the course and which students are exiled to the library to silently read books for the rest of the semester. Faculty everywhere are ecstatic about the plan.

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The 99-Weeks Club, the group of unemployed people who have come to the end of their unemployment benefits and still haven't found jobs, are hoping members of Congress who won't extend the benefits will join them someday...so they can see how it feels.

Though the government said the security scans wouldn't be kept, the best of the naked scans of people going through airport security were posted this week on the WikiLeaks website.

A woman traveling passenger class on a plane to Butte, Montana, was voted as Miss August by visitors to the WikiLeaks website concerning the naked scans by the airport security machines. A man traveling first class to Littleton, Colorado, was voted most likely to make naked-scan equipment workers laugh.

A teenager took the keys of the family car and then drove the vehicle into the ditch. His father said, "Son, that officially makes you a Republican." (Explanation: President Obama has referred to the Republican condition of the economy that he was left to salvage as a car that was driven into a ditch and that now the Republicans want the keys again to drive it.)

Mad Hatter of the Tea Party has claimed that Alice is an illegal immigrant and should be put in an Arizona jail.

Tea Party members ran for public office and lost in the primary elections. But they sure have funny hats and goofy signs.

It has been recommended that someone chip in a dollar for the Tea Party sign-writers, so they can buy a dictionary. (This is absolute true: A recent message on a sign at a Tea Party rally shown on a TV news segment was "Obama care not fare.")

The primary campaigns really got nasty and mean. One candidate accused his opponent of sleeping with bed bugs. The other candidate responded back that only bed bugs would want to sleep with his opponent. Pollsters are trying to figure out which bed bug accusation hurt the worst.

Obama's press secretary, the guy with the Southern twang in his mouth who complained recently about the "professional left," is trying out an interesting theory: Insult the Democratic base which is the left and remind them that the Obama administration couldn't come close to providing the same quality of a health care system that Canadians enjoy, and then see if they will vote for Democrats in the elections. Maybe he's an Einstein and the theory will work. Or maybe he's a Bozo.

Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, and other billionaires have promised to give away half of their wealth during their lifetimes. Though on the other end of the economic scale, the Sage Street blogger wants to join the effort and thus promises to give away half of his poverty.

An opposite-sex couple filed for divorce today, saying that the prospects of same-sex couples having the same right to marry drove them to it. The Family Nonsense Council warned that it signals the end of marriage between a man and a woman. "No straight couple will want to get married if gay couples are doing it," said Al Mond, a religious nut.

Ben Nelson the asterisk is the U.S. senator from Nebraska who's a Democrat but who often votes with the Republicans. Well, something very strange happened. Stranger than paranormal activities, jackalopes, and Glenn Beck. Ben Nelson actually turned into an asterisk. A real, tiny asterisk. One moment he was a man, the next moment he was an asterisk. He's been shipped back to Nebraska for immediate display below a pile of corn cobs, with tiny type for explanation.

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An American got a job today and it was so rare that scientists were called in to give the phenomenon a name. After considering "New Worker" and "Employed Person," they decided upon the phrase "Person Who Uses Their Hands To Actual Make a Product Sold in America."

An American, with long-time employment service, got a job offer today in the USDA, but only after getting fired by people who panicked and over-reacted to an edited film clip by a biased weasel of a conservative blogger who was deceptive for the sake of a darned political agenda. (Hey, wait a minute, this actually happened to Shirley Sherrod this week. It just seems too ridiculous to be true.)

The Republicans in Congress finally approved extending unemployment benefits to jobless Americans after saying they had balked because, besides the fact that they had jobs and didn't have to worry about unemployment personally--at least, until election time--they think the budget should be balanced...finally and suddenly. (Note of truth to suddenly concerned Republicans as well as Democrats: The War in Afghanistan costs $5.5 billion per month.)

Sarah Palin recently used the words "mama grizzlies" to describe tough women in politics. She considered other animals references, but "black widow spiders" kill their mates, "female elephant seals" live in harems and get trampled by larger blubbery males, and "large bovines" are sent to slaughter for their meat.

Sarah Palin "refutiated" the dictionary today.

Actor Mel Gibson ranted and raved, belittled and used profanity and racial slurs again. This time to the pizza delivery guy after the pizza parlor failed to put pepperoni on his pizza.

Rahm Emmanuel, Obama's White House Chief of Staff, accepted the "The Disastrous Wizard of Oz Power Behind the Curtain" award. The previous recipient during the Bush Administration was Vice President Dick Cheney.

The film "The Crazies" came out in DVD form this past month. But the title is misleading and it is not a documentary about the national Tea Party rallies.

Electrolytes are burning out all across the humid Midwest and South.

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An American got a job today but it was another person from the Clinton administration appointed by President Obama. Said Obama, "I don't know anyone in Washington but former Clinton administration cronies. And neither does Rahm Emmanuel. Back then, they got two terms out it and what's more important than that?"

President Obama set-up an 800-member bipartisan task force to study ways to create jobs. It is so bipartisan, it screams of no accomplishment. Leading the task force from the Democratic side is former President Bill Clinton, who supported NAFTA and GATT free trade deals which exported a ton of American jobs overseas and across the borders. On the Republican side, Liz Cheney will co-chair the task force and provide input about how nepotism can really open doors.

British Petroleum continues to try to stop the gushing oil from the drilled hole at the bottom of the Gulf Coast ocean. About 39 million gallons of oil have mixed with ocean water, drifting into wetlands and beaches. They have tried everything from a hat device to the idea of golf balls. Fortunately, they haven't attempted the nuclear blast yet. Here are some other items that they might want to try to clog the hole: Irons and ironing boards, hair from every shower in New York city, baseballs and marbles, dead walruses, and the cushion of Rush Limbaugh's chair.

Please get out your irons because here's some irony: The BP oil spill is affecting the Gulf Coast states of the Southeast. All of those states are "red" states, meaning they vote for conservative Republicans. The conservative philosophy is for deregulation and that the government should be small and stay out of the lives of people and businesses. So, those "red" states were likely pleased that oil companies could drill, baby, drill off-shore without tough regulation and oversight. But now that there is gushing oil and all kinds of fishing and tourism dollars that will be lost by the damage, they want the government to do something about it and may even want bail-outs for industries that have lost income. Huh, that's ironic! Hey, red Gulf Coast states, how's that "conservative deregulation" stuff working out for you?

Rush Limbaugh, a serial groom, recently got married for the fourth time. For the bride, instead of a wedding card, it probably would be more fitting to send a sympathy card.

Giving up his representation of Connecticut because it was just taking too much of his time, Senator Joe Lieberman said he will continue to serve as the U.S. senator for Israel.

The Israeli blockade of aid ships into the Gaza strip of Palestine is not just about weapons. The policy (and this is totally true) also blocks the delivery of jam, chocolate, notebooks, and other items. Said an Israeli politician (and this is back to total fabrication), "A thrown Hershey kiss can put out someone's eye."

The Catholic Church has apologized for the sex scandals of priests in North America and Europe. That leaves only five more continents and they are pretty confident that there are no major problems in Antarctica.

A concerned Catholic suggested that the church would benefit from the concept of gender equality, moving some nuns up and some priests down the hierarchy ladder. Said a Vatican spokesman, "No, no, no. A woman would never look right in wearing the flowing gown of a pope."

Do you have dry ears? Then you should talk to a quack about Dryearyoxitin. It will make your ears sweat naturally and keep your ear lobes moist. Possible side effects include loss of hearing, decibel increase of the voice of a mother-in-law, sneezing, hiccups, erectile dysfunction, stomach aches, unnatural gas, burping, tooth decay, flat feet, purple toenails, green fingernails, itchy armpits, diarrhea, constipation, mold, rabies, hallucinations, thoughts of running naked through a cornfield, intolerance, pregnancy, computer viruses, and vivid dreams of Republican politicians in clown suits.

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An American got a job today and it was so amazing and rare that Hallmark Hall of Fame is going to turn the poignant story into a TV movie. Viewers will also need hankies for more tear-jerking commercials about people who send and receive cards.

The Gulf of Mexico has been renamed the Gulf of Oil, as British Petroleum's non-stop oil leak at the bottom of the ocean continues to gush and pollute a huge amount of ocean, wetlands, and beaches. A regular American said, "I'm no rocket scientist, but it doesn't make sense to drill off-shore if you aren't able to stop a possible leak." A rocket scientist said, "I'm a rocket scientist and the whole idea is goofy."

That's some range about how much oil is gushing into the Gulf of Oil, formerly called the Gulf of Mexico. The range goes from 5,000 gallons per day by BP's estimates to 40,000 and up to as much as 90,000 gallons per day by independent experts' estimates. Therefore, if you ever need a low estimate on anything, please contact BP because they apparently are good at low estimates. Not so good at stopping an oil leak in the ocean, but very good at low estimates.

The Republicans, President Obama, and Sarah "Drill, Baby, Drill" Palin, all who supported off-shore oil drilling, do not know any rocket scientists.

According to a Fox News report, Elena Kagan (Supreme Court nominee) and Janet Napolitano (Homeland Security director) are twins and were mysteriously separated at birth.

It's been determined through a Sage Street poll that the most fun names to say are Betsy Ann Bowser of PBS, Rafsanjani (sorry, we don't know his first name) of Iran, Wolf Blitzer of CNN, Cloris Leachman, and anyone named Rufus. The name that is most fun to change is "Big News" Brzezinski (the first name is actually Zbigniew).

At the age of 88, actress Betty White recently hosted Saturday Night Live. She also has been asked to host the Academy Awards, run for governor of California, and join the U.S. pole vault team for the next Summer Olympics.

An Australian filmmaker is doing a documentary about virginity auctions. Not yet to appear on eBay or as a reality TV show, virginity auctions apparently are where virgins auction themselves to the highest bidder. Some virgins--or so they say they are--reportedly are getting paid $20,000 each and one young person said in a newspaper story that it was a way to pay for her college tuition. Said one old and bitter college grad, "I had to bag groceries at a supermarket and pump gas at a gas station to earn money for college." It would be true that most people remember a time when virginity was absolutely worthless.

Arizona recently passed a law requiring suspicious people to carry around papers that identify them as Americans. The state is also considering a law requiring suspicious people to carry around papers that prove they aren't obese, papers that show they can drive golf carts, and papers that indicate their virginity status. For suspicious people who are found to be totally innocent by Arizona law officers, be sure to visit the Grand Canyon as the State Tourism Board says it is beautiful at this time of year.

Rand Paul recently won as a Tea Party Republican-Libertarian candidate in Kentucky. He was quoted as saying that he believed government should stay out of the affairs of private business owners, even if those owners wanted to decline services to and discriminate against different groups of Americans. In response, a growing number of Kentucky businesses are now wanting to discriminate against Tea Party Republican-Libertarians.

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An American got a job today. It was the lead story on the TV news. "60 Minutes" plans to do an expose. Said Morley Safer, "When Andy Rooney retires in 25 years, there will be another job opening for someone."

The Party of No recently spent party money on a strip club. That's a no-no, Party of No.

So, if people don't send in their census forms, would that allow newly-employed census workers to be employed longer, which would also help the economy? Hmmm.

The proper grammatical conjugation of Apple gadgetry products is, "iPod, iPad, iPeed."

Media Watch notes that Sarah Palin has been getting too much media coverage lately, with her Arizona trip to campaign for John McCain and other dull subjects, and that isn't fair because Levi Johnston hasn't been providing enough of a counter-balance by getting the same share of media time. For every Palin story, there needs to be a Levi story. Where's the FCC "Fairness Doctrine" when we really need it?

Tea companies are suing the National Tea Party for defamation of character.

A new group, known as the National Beer Party, has emerged. Oh, wait, that was just spring break for college students.

The Republicans and President Obama favor off-shore oil-drilling on the East Coast. Residents of North Carolina are for it too, until they have to trudge around in the black sand with oily feet.

Rufus Barfly said his Idaho militia members like playing soldier, as long as it's not in Iraq or Afghanistan. Their favorite color is camouflage. He said, "We pledge to protect potatoes from government interference and from the French and their fries."

O.K., more Hollywood bad behavior. But, after all, what do people expect from a person named Jesse James?