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A person got a job in America today. It was big, big news! It made the front-pages of the Wall Street Journal, New York Times, Washington Post, Medicine Bow Post, and Mad Magazine.

Admitting they offer a more conservative approach, Republicans unveiled their version for the "Meals on Wheels" program. It's called "road-kill." Said one Republican millionaire senator, "I've heard that prairie dog meat with a taste of the rubber from a snow tire can be very nourishing."

Nancy Disgrace was wondering the other night if the national obesity problem will tip the scales?

Glenn Beck interviewed Eric Massa. Massa was the congressman that no one in the nation had ever heard of until he was caught in a scandal and then ended up being the conversation of every TV talking head this side of stupid. Beck also proved it.

In the meantime, the TV talking heads didn't have time to talk about the U.S. soldiers who were recently killed in the wars. One talking head who was tickled pink about the Massa scandal and also didn't see a reason for confronting someone about why the public option isn't part of the health care plan, said, "Talk is cheap and we're at basement bargain prices."

Concerning the issue of eliminating the policy of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" in the military, President Obama is consulting his doctor about the need for a backbone similar to one that Harry Truman had when President Truman integrated the military and ended that discrimination, despite the objections of generals. Doctors said Obama could be up and courageous in no time. Said one doctor, "Our goal would be to get him even half as courageous as a gay soldier dodging bullets in the Afghanistan war."

Some straight soldiers have expressed irritation with the implication from some politicians that they can't handle being around openly gay soldiers. "I think we can handle it," said one soldier as he dodged bullets from enemies trying to kill him.

The Republican Party of "No" continued to say "no" to about everything. Even in the Congressional cafeteria, they were unwilling to pass the salt.

An 11-year-old failed a quiz after a teacher found that the kid had notes scribbled on his hand. The student's defense: "I wasn't cheating. I was just trying to impersonate Sarah Palin." Betcha won't do that again!

TV reality shows continue to try to push the envelope. But some of the prospective shows that didn't make the network line-up for this year include "The Horrifying Race of Runaway Toyotas," "My Sexting Photos are Better Than your Sexting Photos," "Undercover Parents at the Fraternity House," "You Get a Nobel Peace Prize if You Can Ever Get Israel to Work for Peace, But Don't Count On It," and "Push the Envelope Down the Street to the U.S. Post Office."

Professor I.M. Nuts will be teaching a new course next fall on "Writing for Text-Messaging." The first essay assignment will be graded according to how often a college student can use "U" for "you." Students with very tiny fingers are expected to have an edge in the class.