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An American got a job today and it was so amazing and rare that Hallmark Hall of Fame is going to turn the poignant story into a TV movie. Viewers will also need hankies for more tear-jerking commercials about people who send and receive cards.

The Gulf of Mexico has been renamed the Gulf of Oil, as British Petroleum's non-stop oil leak at the bottom of the ocean continues to gush and pollute a huge amount of ocean, wetlands, and beaches. A regular American said, "I'm no rocket scientist, but it doesn't make sense to drill off-shore if you aren't able to stop a possible leak." A rocket scientist said, "I'm a rocket scientist and the whole idea is goofy."

That's some range about how much oil is gushing into the Gulf of Oil, formerly called the Gulf of Mexico. The range goes from 5,000 gallons per day by BP's estimates to 40,000 and up to as much as 90,000 gallons per day by independent experts' estimates. Therefore, if you ever need a low estimate on anything, please contact BP because they apparently are good at low estimates. Not so good at stopping an oil leak in the ocean, but very good at low estimates.

The Republicans, President Obama, and Sarah "Drill, Baby, Drill" Palin, all who supported off-shore oil drilling, do not know any rocket scientists.

According to a Fox News report, Elena Kagan (Supreme Court nominee) and Janet Napolitano (Homeland Security director) are twins and were mysteriously separated at birth.

It's been determined through a Sage Street poll that the most fun names to say are Betsy Ann Bowser of PBS, Rafsanjani (sorry, we don't know his first name) of Iran, Wolf Blitzer of CNN, Cloris Leachman, and anyone named Rufus. The name that is most fun to change is "Big News" Brzezinski (the first name is actually Zbigniew).

At the age of 88, actress Betty White recently hosted Saturday Night Live. She also has been asked to host the Academy Awards, run for governor of California, and join the U.S. pole vault team for the next Summer Olympics.

An Australian filmmaker is doing a documentary about virginity auctions. Not yet to appear on eBay or as a reality TV show, virginity auctions apparently are where virgins auction themselves to the highest bidder. Some virgins--or so they say they are--reportedly are getting paid $20,000 each and one young person said in a newspaper story that it was a way to pay for her college tuition. Said one old and bitter college grad, "I had to bag groceries at a supermarket and pump gas at a gas station to earn money for college." It would be true that most people remember a time when virginity was absolutely worthless.

Arizona recently passed a law requiring suspicious people to carry around papers that identify them as Americans. The state is also considering a law requiring suspicious people to carry around papers that prove they aren't obese, papers that show they can drive golf carts, and papers that indicate their virginity status. For suspicious people who are found to be totally innocent by Arizona law officers, be sure to visit the Grand Canyon as the State Tourism Board says it is beautiful at this time of year.

Rand Paul recently won as a Tea Party Republican-Libertarian candidate in Kentucky. He was quoted as saying that he believed government should stay out of the affairs of private business owners, even if those owners wanted to decline services to and discriminate against different groups of Americans. In response, a growing number of Kentucky businesses are now wanting to discriminate against Tea Party Republican-Libertarians.