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Some screaming Republican shills were arrested today after they confused the location of Mary Alice's Tupperware party for a health care reform town hall, disrupting it with screams, wild accusations, and tantrums. Screamed one screamer, "The Founding Fathers didn't use snap-top cannisters!" Screamed another screamer, "Plastic is socialism!"

The Belfry family of Militia, Arkansas, is barricaded inside the family's mobile home, refusing to come out until they receive word that the government will not pull the plug on grandma. Said son Bats, "We're trying to figure out right now where the plug for Grandma is supposed to go. And after we figure that out, we'll be ready to fight to keep bureaucrats from pulling it."

Glenn Beck reports that he will no longer suggest that various people should die because he doesn't want to be drafted to serve on the federal death panel, even if it is named for Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin has broken with the NRA because of its expansive view of firearms use. She stated, "I'm for the right to bear arms, but not to arm bears. Kodiak bears with assault rifles would turn flag-waving, gun-totting, dope-smoking Alaskan hunters into sitting ducks."

You've heard of birthers, who doubt President Obama's birthplace. You've heard of deathers, who think the government wants to kill the elderly. Now, there are whiters. They refuse to believe that Obama is half-black and half-white until he shows them his white parts.

Warren won the office pool today at the Center for Frightening Senior Citizens by correctly identifying that Rush Limbaugh, on his radio show, would do his best to scare the bejesus out of seniors, children, puppies, Lutherans, zookeepers, truck drivers, substitute teachers, and people who walk really slow.

MSNBC's Saturday programming will feature a day-long series about serial killers who everyone wanted to forget.

A man in Froth, Kentucky, was treated for injuries after his step-children threw him into an alley garbage barrel. The kids said their mom told them to take out the trash. The mother said that she didn't mean "white" trash.

A Blue-Dog Democrat today had to be treated for fleas. Said the veterinarian, "Quit hanging out with Republicans."

Former President Bill Clinton made it clear today that he is not the Secretary of State. He said, "I'm just the great diplomatic hero who brought back the two ladies held captive in North Korea."

Banks today in appreciation of the huge taxpayer bailouts that saved them earlier this year cut their credit card rates by one-sixteenth of one percent to show their generous gratitude to the tax-paying consumers.

Insurance companies are now offering to cover of cost of flea powder if Blue-Dog Democrats will continue to hang out with Republicans and bury that public option like a chewed-up meat bone.